The 5 things I learned in two months of meditation
According to research done in Harvard, I have a new brain now. Well, perhaps not quite, since the participants in the study clocked an average of 27 minutes a day over two months, whereas I'm averaging 20 minutes a day, six days a week. So I'll give my new brain a little more time to develop.
Nevertheless, It's been around two months since I started a (almost) daily meditation practice. This has not been my first attempt at meditating regularly, but I find it easier now than couple years ago, when I last tried to get into the habit. There are a few reasons why that is, which I will get to later in this article.
The approach I use is called vipassana, or mindfulness/insight meditation. It is simply the practice of being fully present in the moment, becoming aware of your breathing, other sensations, sounds, and even thoughts as they appear in the awareness. Too often we get carried away by our thinking. This practice helps you recognise when that happens, and return your attention to the present moment.
Meditation also makes you more aware of the fact that your self is not the same as your thinking. Thoughts arise spontaneously to the awareness, but since there is also a part of you that can observe those thoughts, the thoughts themselves cannot be what you truly are. If that were the case, then who or what is doing the observing?
But why meditate in the first place? I have known for quite a few years already about the research and positive outcomes associated with meditation, but that knowledge alone has not been enough to start doing it regularly. How many people smoke even though they are fully aware of the consequences? Behaviour change takes more than knowing something intellectually.
As you might know, I'm a huge advocate of podcasts and audio books. They are a wonderful way to learn new things utilising time–such as commuting, cleaning up the apartment, and long walks–that would otherwise go to waste. I have two new favourites: Dan Carlin's Hardcore History, which is so well thought out and narrated that even though I'm not a history buff, I am completely drawn into the stories, which range from protestant reformation to Genghis Khan, and to the morality and ethics behind the atomic bomb. My other new favourite is The Tim Ferriss Show.
Tim does mostly interviews of people who can easily be counted as the top 1% in their field, whether it's venture capital, entrepreneurship, human performance, writing, coaching, arts or innovation. For example, most recently he did an hour+ long interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger. To listen to Arnold speak in Nordic Business Forum would have cost you several hundred euros. The podcast you can download for free.
After listening to a few episodes of The Tim Ferriss Show, it is impossible not to notice how many of these world-class people mention their meditation habit. Josh Waitzkin, who coaches top-level athletes, finance managers, and other business people, even claims that meditation is one of the key practices for high-level performance improvement. Chase Jarvis meditates, so does Pixar's president Ed Catmull, and most recently The Governator mentioned that a year of Transcendental Meditation changed his life.
I thought, with this many people vouching for meditation, maybe I should give it another chance.
Now that I have two months of regular practice under my belt, I feel confident in sharing some of the lessons learned.
1. It's ok to be comfortable
The last time I tried meditating, sitting cross-legged on the floor or on a sofa, my back started aching real bad after a few minutes. Soon the pain made it almost impossible to concentrate.
You don't need to be in a lotus position to meditate. There's even a thing called walking meditation. If you experience pain like me, try sitting on a chair. An upright position is preferable, though, in order to not get drowsy and fall asleep.
Nowadays I sit on a hefty cushion on the floor, cross-legged, with a pillow between my back and a wall, so I can lean a little bit and thus avoid back pain.
2. It helps to get some help, especially when getting started
I don't think I would have gotten where I am without this How to Meditate -introductory article by Sam Harris (who was also interviewed in The Tim Ferriss Show), and his guided meditations. For the first two or three weeks half my sessions were done while listening to them. During the other sessions I listened to ambient ocean or rain sounds, which I found on Spotify.
Yes, it's ok to listen to music, ambient sounds, or whatever else you find helpful–especially if the environment is a bit noisy. I avoid music with lyrics, though, as that seems to make it more difficult to keep from getting lost in thought.
Now I mostly use Sattva (available for iOS and Android) for ambient soundtrack and to track how much time I spend meditating.
3. Meditation is exercise for the mind
If you want to get in a better shape physically, you wouldn't go to the gym and quit after the first day, when you realise that you can't do a 2.5 times bodyweight deadlift. You start with the weight you can manage and build strength gradually. The key is to keep practicing, not to reach an arbitrary goal.
I find it useful to approach meditation with the same mindset. It is a form of exercise, but instead of targeting a muscle, it's targeting the brain. Don't get frustrated if you seem unable to quiet your mind and constantly lose yourself in thoughts. Each time you notice having been lost in thought, and return again to the sensation of breathing, is like doing another repetition in the gym.
Gradually it becomes easier to quiet the mind, and you might also start noticing some rather exciting new sensations, one of which could be described as being hyperaware of everything within your sphere of experience. At least for me this is something that has started to happen of late during my practice.
4. Know your whys
It's easier to get motivation for doing something when you are well aware of why you are doing it. When it comes to meditation, there are multiple studied benefits. For me the main goal was to better cope with an uncertain time in my life (no income since January, trying to develop my own business and find new opportunities), without succumbing to anxiety or depression. So far the results have been pretty amazing. Although it would of course be impossible to draw a causal link from meditation to staying positive, as I can't say for sure what would have happened if I hadn't started meditating.
Secondary goal was to see if I can increase the ability of my unconscious mind to generate creative insights. I have realised, especially after I started teaching myself programming, that many of the more difficult problems do not get solved by using force. Instead, detaching yourself from the task at hand, and giving time for the unconscious mind to come up with an answer is a better and more effortless method. Also, according to Josh Waitzkin, learning how to effectively use the unconscious mind is another key skill of the high-performing people.
5. Find your time and stick to it
Figure out when is the best time for you to meditate. I have found there to be a significant difference between mornings, afternoons and evenings. It is a lot easier to concentrate in the morning, after breakfast and a cup of coffee. The quality of the practice is better, and it also gives a great start and clarity of thought for the rest of the day.
Being consistent with the timing and meditating every day–even if it's just for ten minutes or less–will also help in turning it into a habit.
Did I pique your interest? If you decide to try meditation, let me know how it goes in the comments. Also, if you know any good resources on the topic I'd be happy to hear about them.
Give in to the system (and watch your productivity skyrocket)
In my previous life as a consultant I would often get to work, open my laptop, pour a cup of coffee and start thinking about what is that I should actually start doing. As I was slowly sipping the coffee I might have opened my email, browsed a few news sites or blogs, and by the time the coffee was getting cold I'd be nowhere nearer to getting any real work done. Sounds familiar?
It was a rare occasion when I had actually determined beforehand to dedicate the next morning for a particular task or achieving a goal. Even when I knew that one of the best things for productivity is to always have one important thing you want to get done for each day, and start working on it first thing in the morning. No email, no news sites, no distractions. That way you feel that at least you've accomplished something even if the rest of the day is completely unproductive.
So why was it so hard to do this? As it turns out, with an array of tasks which to choose from, I had hard time choosing anything. My experience of Paradox of Choice in action. Also, as I now know decision-making is depleting the same very limited mental resource that is needed to focus on a task and stick to it. So I was already shooting myself in the foot by leaving the decision-making for the morning. (1)
Another problem was that quite often I actually did not know what I should do. I had a list of deliverables, I knew the big picture project plan, and I knew what needed to happen at a given time. However, many times I wasn't able to see the steps leading to those deliverables. And in face of uncertainty it often is easier to just read email and focus on the trivial stuff than to start thinking about how to deal with what is important.
Let the system guide you
A bit over a month ago Johnny B. Truant, one of my favorite bloggers, published a 116-page novel titled Fat Vampire (Yes, that's an affiliate link. You should totally read the book. It's hilarious.). It had taken him less than a month to get the idea for the book, write the whole thing, edit it, and publish it. By anyone's standards I think that can be considered to be fairly productive. Shortly after the publication he shared some of his tips and tricks on how to do it. This article focuses on one of them: using a calendar.
I have known for quite some time that one good way to be productive is to schedule tasks that need to get done. In the same way you'd schedule a meeting from 9 to 11 am, you could reserve that time slot in your calendar for working on a particular task or project. One of the best ways to be productive is to work in 25 or 50 minute intervals, followed by 5-10 minute breaks, and having a longer 30 minute break every two hours. This way you won't run out of steam mid-day, but also have energy left for personal stuff after you get home from work. In other words, you should schedule work in 30 and 60 minute blocks. (2)
Inspired by Johnny's article I decided to experiment with combining these methods. Here's my calendar from last week (the green color stands for personal stuff, blue is work/study related):
What's going on here is that every night I check my to-do list and create a schedule for the next day. The tasks are scheduled for 30 or 60 minute time slots, which reminds me to take those 5-10 minute breaks. I use a timer when I work because skipping a break is detrimental for long-term productivity. Lastly, I schedule longer breaks such as playing on xbox, taking a nap or watching an episode of South Park (humor boosts creativity!).
The reason I do this for one day at a time - as opposed to e.g. creating a schedule for the whole week at once - is that meetings are called, deadlines change, and so do my own energy levels. For example, besides writing this article and a mandatory class my schedule for today is almost empty. I have worked a lot during the past few days, including the weekend, and haven't really had time to relax. Yesterday I noticed that my performance started to suffer because of it, so today is a take-it-easy day.
If you need to accomplish a task with a tight deadline, it makes sense to schedule time slots for that task for the whole week. This is to ensure that no one steals that time from you with (usually) pointless meetings - a common annoyance in corporate environments where people have access to your calendar.
The system is your friend
During the four weeks I have used this method my productivity has skyrocketed. It might be partly because having an hourly schedule is so similar to how all of us have lived our lives ever since the 1st grade. We already have a lot of conditioning to work this way. There are also more specific benefits and advantages:
Say goodbye to procrastination. When you have a schedule and you have already decided the day before that e.g. from 9 to 10am you will work on that sales pitch or that presentation, you don't end up browsing email or checking facebook news feed. When the clock hits 9 you put a timer to alert at 9:50 and you get going.
Be meticulous when it comes to breaks. Like all the things that need to get done, you have also scheduled your downtime. It's one thing to know on a conscious level that you should take breaks, but another to actually disconnect from work when you're in a good flow. Having a break pre-scheduled removes the sense of guilt you might normally feel about "wasting" time, while also helping to maintain high-level performance in the long-term.
Stop wasting your willpower. Did you know that at work Barack Obama wears only blue or gray suits? He does this in order to conserve mental energy: “I’m trying to pare down decisions. I don’t want to make decisions about what I’m eating or wearing. Because I have too many other decisions to make, … You need to focus your decision-making energy. You need to routinize yourself. You can’t be going through the day distracted by trivia.” When you have a schedule you don't need to decide what to do. You have already decided. (3)
Gain control of your time. A major cause of work-related stress is the feeling of not having control about how you spend your time. Creating a schedule is exactly the opposite of that. It is one example of a problem-based coping strategy, which can be very powerful when it comes to dealing with stress. Even if you keep getting e.g. many meeting invitations, this method allows you to grab some control back to yourself. And if you need to regain more time for actual work, you can schedule the work time in advance to ensure that no one steals it from you. No more working after-hours or when everyone else in the family has gone to sleep. (4)
Obviously every now and then something comes up during the day that causes changes to your beautifully crafted schedule. Life can't be planned perfectly in advance. When this happens, you at least have a visual representation of what you intended to do with the rest of your day. It becomes easier to prioritize. You can quickly check what you can still do, and what you should move to the next day. This is more liberating than it is restricting, and most importantly it helps you stay in control in spite of surprises.
I mentioned earlier that one big problem used to be that sometimes I didn't know exactly what to do, and that resulted in procrastination and postponing the important tasks. When it comes to dealing with ambiguity, one solution is to schedule time for simply sitting down with pen and paper, making plans, dividing the task into smaller components, creating a list of things you need to find out before proceeding, and planning on how you intent to gain that knowledge etc.
Lastly, by using this system it becomes surprisingly easy to make progress even when a goal seems huge, distant, and uncertain. Many times a project such as writing a novel or creating a new product causes the inner resistance to go on overdrive, filling your head with all the reasons why the project won't succeed. As a result, you give up before even getting started. When you adapt to the approach of working towards a goal in predetermined slots of time, and measure progress by the amount of work done - as opposed to the amount of tasks finished - suddenly the goal doesn't seem that hard anymore.
I for one will certainly continue working using this method. If you want to try it out, or have experience with something similar, I'd love to hear about it in the comments! :)
References:
(1) Vohs, K. D., Baumeister, R. F., Schmeichel, B. J., Twenge, J. M., Nelson, N. M., & Tice, D. M. (2008). Making Choices Impairs Subsequent Self-Control: A Limited-Resource Account of Decision Making, Self-Regulation, and Active Initiative. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 94, No. 5, 883-898.
(2) Loehr, J., & Schwartz, T. (2003). The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal. Free Press; 1 edition.
(3) Vanity Fair: Barack Obama to Michael Lewis on a Presidential Loss of Freedom: “You Don’t Get Used to It—At Least, I Don’t” - online article.
(4) Drnovšek, M., Örtqvist, D., & Wincent, J. (2010). The effectiveness of coping strategies used by entrepreneurs and their impact on personal well-being and venture performance. Journal of Economics and Business, Vol. 28, 193-220.
Increase your productivity... by playing Angry Birds!
Looking back the few years since I started getting interested in how to change human behavior, how to be productive, and in general how our brains work, I can confidently say that I have gotten the most done when I have used a method of working in focused and uninterrupted blocks of time. At first I experimented with working for 50 minutes at a time, followed by a 10 minute break, and a longer 30 minute break every 2 hours. Lately I've found the Pomodoro technique with its shorter 25 minute bursts of work, followed by 5 minute breaks, quite efficient. Especially when having to do something that is difficult to get started with.
However, one major difficulty with this kind of periodization is how to really detach yourself from the task at hand when it's time for a break. How to, e.g., take your mind off cognitive work and do something else. I have tried listening to music, doing a few push-ups, a bit of housecleaning etc., but these activities tend to require so little attention that most of the time work creeps into consciousness anyway. This is not good, as it effectively diminishes the restorative power of the break.
Another issue is that 5-10 minutes is too short a time to really do much. Go to the toilet and drink a glass of water and the time's pretty much up.
Luckily, I think I have found the solution to really improve the potential for recovery during those breaks, and it's called Angry Birds*. Here's why:
1) Angry Birds takes your mind off work
Brain is like a muscle. When extorted it gets fatigued. As with self-control and the ability to make decisions, there are limitations to the capacity to do demanding cognitive processing. Like a car using fuel to run, you also have limited resources that become depleted during intense concentration and thinking. (1, 3)
One way to ensure that you won't run out of steam in the middle of a workday is to track your use of time, and within steady intervals switch from work-mode to recovery-mode. The most important thing in successfully doing this is to push all work and task-related thoughts away.
The beauty of Angry Birds is that even if you only have 5 minutes for a break, it's enough to finish couple levels. More importantly, Angry Birds, Bad Piggies, Where's My Water, Cut the Rope, and other similar mobile games, are quick to start and require just the right amount of thinking to take your conscious thoughts away from work, but not so much that they become a further drain to your limited mental resources.
2) Short breaks are equally, or more important for recovery, than long ones
There is some rather interesting evidence showing that even short breaks have significant positive effects when used in a way that takes your mind off the task at hand and make you feel good and, dare I say, happier.
Doctors who were primed to feel positive emotions showed almost 3 times more intelligence and creativity than doctors in a neutral state. They also made accurate diagnoses 19 percent faster. (2)
In another study students were primed to feel stress by giving them a task to make a difficult speech under time-pressure, and told that the speech would be videotaped and evaluated by their peers. The subjects were then shown one of three short films; a neutral, sad, or a positive film. Those who were shown the positive film for just couple minutes recovered from the physiological effects of stress 3 times faster than those who saw the sad film, and 2 times faster than those in the neural condition. (3)
One more argument in support of short breaks is the finding that if a resource becomes severely depleted, it falls to a so-called "Burnout Range." When that happens, otherwise reliable restorative sources tend to provide significantly less restorative effect, and otherwise insignificant sources of depletion will cause significant resource losses. So take your short breaks now so you don't end up completely non-functional in the long run. (4)
3) Your subconscious mind will not stop working
An article in Harvard Business Review reported couple weeks ago about a study where participants had to make a complex decision. There were four cars from which to choose from. Each was described by 12 different attributes, and participants had to pick one that was the best match for multiple specified wants and needs. Only one of the fours cars was the "right" choice, having twice as many positive than negative attributes.
As stated in the article: "One group had to make a choice immediately. These people didn't do very well at optimizing their decision. A second group had time to try to consciously solve the problem. Their choices weren't much better. A third group were told the problem, then given a distracter task to do first — something that lightly held their conscious attention but allowed their non-conscious to do more work. This group did significantly better than either of the other groups at selecting the optimum car for their overall needs."
The real kicker was that the distracter task was no longer than two minutes, but it seems that even two minutes is enough to significantly boost your problem-solving skills.
There you go! Don't worry about time wasted, but squeeze in a few minutes of Angry Birds once an hour and you'll not only keep your cognitive performance at a higher level throughout the day, but also feel happier and more energized for it.
References:
(1) Muraven, M., Tice, D. M., & Baumeister, R. F. (1998). Self-Control as Limited Resource: Regulatory Depletion Patterns. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 74, No. 3, 774-789.
Vohs, K. D., Baumeister, R. F., Schmeichel, B. J., Twenge, J. M., Nelson, N. M., & Tice, D. M. (2008). Making Choices Impairs Subsequent Self-Control: A Limited-Resource Account of Decision Making, Self-Regulation, and Active Initiative. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 94, No. 5, 883-898.
Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M., & Tice, D. M. (1998). Ego Depletion: Is the Active Self a Limited Resource? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 74, No. 5, 1252– 1265.
(2) Achor, Shawn (2011). The Happiness Advantage. [Kindle Edition] Virgin Digital.
(3) Fredrickson, B. L. (1998). What good are positive emotions? Review of General Psychology, Vol. 2, No. 3, 300-319.
(4) Greenblatt, Edy (2002). Work/Life Balance: Wisdom or Whining. Organizational Dynamics, Vol. 31, No. 2, 177-193.
* None of the links in this article are affiliated. These referrals are my own recommendations, and I do not get any compensation for making them.
Creating a clean slate
The past two months have been hectic to say the least. I've been doing more courses in the university than during the fall, and I also started a new work project which actually turned out to take quite a lot of my time and energy. I'm doing things that are entirely new to me such as detailed project planning and resourcing. Factor in a new relationship and the end result has been an almost complete neglect to my own personal growth, which resulted in a slight depression.
During these couple of months I've learned something new, though. This is probably the first time ever when I have had so many promising opportunities that I simply can't get involved in all of them. I had to start prioritizing and actually refuse from things which is definitely something that doesn't come naturally to me.
Because of the standstill in my personal growth I have felt that I'm not moving forward, that I'm not evolving, and as a result I felt like I had betrayed myself and wasn't living up to my own standards. I also learned that this blog and my personal growth are very much intertwined. Without new profound realizations and discoveries in my own life it feels like I don't have enough interesting things to write about.
It's great to be able to plow through obstructions and get the job done. And it's good to keep yourself disciplined and on purpose. But if you forget your larger purpose while pursuing the small and endless tasks of daily life, then you have reduced yourself to a machine of picayune... Tasks are important, but no amount of duties adds up to love, freedom, or full consciousness. You cannot do enough, nor can you do the right things, so that you will finally feel complete.
- David Deida: The Way of the Superior Man
I'm sure no one wants to hear about the intricacies of my work as an SAP specialist, or what I'm learning at the university - which quite frankly isn't all that much. School and work really are not the places where you learn things about yourself, about what your wants and desires are, or how to discover your place and purpose in the world.
I wanted to empty myself of my commitments, obligations, duties, and wants in order to see them objectively and pick the ones that are most important. Applying Pareto principle, I wanted to find out the 20% of things that give me 80% satisfaction. Call it prioritizing or mental spring cleaning, but after I realized I needed to do this it felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. This is the list I came up with.
Highest priority commitments
Currently my number one goal is to do a student exchange in Seoul, South Korea next fall. I should know in two weeks whether or not I get accepted but I'm having my hopes high. I also want to graduate some day, so right now I'd say the two commitments I really feel obliged to keep are
School
Getting more courses done this spring so I'm a step closer to graduating.
Work
Saving money for the student exchange.
I was losing money the whole fall due to not having enough work, but to my big relief that changed now in mid-January. It also looks like I'm able to work throughout the summer and save money for the exchange. I'm having a new kind of project role at work which gives me more responsibility than before, so I'm also taking it as a challenge and a learning experience.
Other high priority stuff
These are the things I enjoy a lot, or are otherwise the ones that are giving biggest dividends for the time I invest in them.
Physical fitness
Going to gym, doing yoga, running after the snows melt, playing squash etc.
Diet and nutrition
Making sure that I keep eating healthy, which involves preparing most of my own food.
Taking care of what I eat and how I exercise gives so much energy that they are more like enablers that make it possible to tackle all the rest of the things going on in my life.
Relationship
I started dating a lovely girl about two months ago, and this relationship is something I really want to invest in and explore more :)
Friends
The people you spend time with will shape your own personality. One of the fundamental success principles is to surround yourself with people who are forward looking and have a drive to succeed in life. Their energy will enhance your own. There are some extremely wonderful people in my life, and I want to keep it that way :)
Language learning
Don't ask why, but I wanted to do a student exchange in a country where English is not so commonly spoken. This is because I want to learn a new language and I figured it's much easier to stay motivated when you are actually going to need it every single day. So yeah, as soon as I get confirmation about South Korea, I'll start studying the language lifehacking style.
Personal growth
As I said, this area of my life has been on a standstill for the past couple of months. Only this week was I able to do something new regarding it, and it's amazing how much energy the experience gave me. I felt again that I'm moving towards some larger goal in my life. For me reading is an integral part of personal growth, so I will not mention it separately.
There are actually quite a lot of these high priority things that I want to keep in my life and juggling all of them might be a bit of a challenge. I don't know how things will turn out, but these are the ones I will try to devote my free time to.
The rest
This category includes things that I will do if I have time left from my other activities. The main reason to write them down and have mentioned here is to stop myself from feeling obligated to do them. I want to be free of them, and enjoy them only when and if it fits my schedule.
Aalto Entrepreneurship Society
It pains me to not be able to commit more to being an active member of the society, because Aaltoes is doing amazing job in aggregating entrepreneurship in Finland.
Blogging
Even though I enjoy writing a lot, I've realized that I shouldn't force myself to do it, at least when doing so does nothing but makes me more stressful. I will keep writing new blog posts in the future as well, but I'm stopping myself from being committed to the earlier once a week schedule.
Developing business ideas
I am starting to seriously consider becoming an entrepreneur, and I have quite a few different business ideas to get started with. However, I feel that this is something I can also focus on later after I have done my student exchange.
There are a few other existing and emerging short-term opportunities in my life, and I try to keep what I have promised to deliver earlier. I don't want to prevent myself from accepting possible new challenges either, but I think I have to start acknowledging that I can't do everything, and to become rather critical about what I should commit myself into.
This exercise was first and foremost to help me regain some control over my own life and to figure out what I really want to do with the limited time I have. If you have done something alike or have a completely different method I'd love to hear about it!
Managing stress... and sucking at it!
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6:34
I am not a religious person. In fact I've been jokingly telling my friends that if I had a religion it would have to be Dudeism, and even that only so I would be able to marry couples. I think that would be cool.
Luckily you don't have to be religious to find wisdom in religious texts, and I think the quote above is a very important one to keep in mind. I am a worrier by nature. If I have many things that need to be done, they start to accumulate in my head and I find it more and more difficult to focus on actually doing them. I become stressful and I feel like I'm not getting anything done, even though in reality I am probably working harder than ever to meet my obligations.
I am good at dealing with stress. Or so it used to say in my CV. I actually thought it was true, but my current situation of working most of the week, dealing with university courses, and trying to keep my other commitments such as writing this blog have proved otherwise. I suck at dealing with stress. Having one or two big things to do is perfectly fine, but when the small ones start to accumulate on top of those, I am in trouble. I find it genuinely difficult to put them in order and deal with them without letting them gain power over me.
The problem is not so much that I wouldn't be able to deliver what I've committed to, but the process of doing it drains all the juice out of me and I end up feeling miserable until most of the things are out of the way.
People who know me tend to see me as someone who is very focused and constantly getting a lot of things done, but that's not the way I see myself. My attention is not on what I did, but what is still left to be done and that is a problem. Instead of stopping to celebrate the things I've accomplished I'm already striving towards the next thing on my list.
I could use some help here, and that's the main reason I'm writing this. I'm not a big fan of productivity systems that are complex and difficult to maintain, but I think I could use something to organize my thoughts and help me visually arrange the things I need to do. I have a tendency of committing myself into doing things even though I know I'm already busy with other stuff, so something that would help me see my current commitments and evaluate how much time it takes to do them would be perfect. If you have any ideas on this, I'd love hear them!
Now, I don't want this post to be all about bitching and whining, so here are couple things I've actually found very useful to make an active and busy life a lot more tolerable:
1. Write stuff down, even the small tasks.
If you try to keep everything in your head, these things will be popping up into your thoughts constantly to remind you that they need your attention. This will destroy focus, increase stress, and is just plain annoying.
2. Have an off-day once a week.
Doing this has worked great for me! Even with many things going on, forcing yourself to have one day a week when being productive and getting things done is banned from your vocabulary is a great stress relief. It might take a while to learn to do it as you need to consciously refuse to let your work and other commitments get inside your head. In long-term, though, this is very useful as it ensures that you have more focus and energy for the other six days.
3. Take care of eating, sleeping, and exercise.
Stress releases cortisol, which is a hormone that acts like insulin; driving glucose from blood into your cells to be used for energy or stored as fat. This is all fine and a natural survival mechanism as long as the cause of stress is short, but if you are experiencing chronic long-term stress you're in trouble. Sleep is important for stress release, and proper diet and exercise will improve your insulin sensitivity. These factors help you to maintain blood sugars at an optimum level, which brings numerous health benefits both physically and mentally.
I pretty much despise companies that track working hours of their employees and pay salary according to them. Counting time instead of actual results is a ghost of the industrial era and mass production. If the role of the employee is even a little more than that of an organic robot, time starts to lose its meaning.
If you're feeling stressed, low on energy, and lack focus, it might easily take 2-3 times longer to do a task than if you were super focused and completely immersed in it. Letting yourself take a day off and taking care of your health will help you reach that level of focus for the rest of the week. Even though you lose the hours of the off-day, you will end up getting more done in all the other days. And you are likely to feel better too.
On another note, I wrote an article for Lateral Action - one of my favorite blogs - about using your naturally occurring bodily rhythms to boost focus, energy levels, and consequently productivity. If the topic is of any interest to you, it's definitely worth checking out!
Evolving yourself into your best self
One of the biggest life lessons I had in 2009 was that my personality is in a state of constant change. The change may be small, subtle, and quiet or take big, life-changing leaps, but it's there and it's continuous. The fact that personality changes over time is not a big surprise in itself; I think everyone can take a look back a few years and immediately see how they were different back then compared to who they are now. However, I've hold the assumption that it takes major life experiences - such as break-ups, marriages, parents getting divorced, moving to live on your own for the first time etc. - for a personality to change, but considering everything that has happened in my own thought and behavior patterns during 2009, I have had to abandon that belief.
According to Dictionary.com, the definition of psychological personality is
a) the sum total of the physical, mental, emotional, and social characteristics of an individual.
b) the organized pattern of behavioral characteristics of the individual.
In psychology, the act of learning implies behavior change. Meaning, that when something is learned, the behavior of the learner changes as a result. If personality then is an organized pattern of behavioral characteristics of an individual, learning changes also the personality of the learner. This does not require major life experiences. With open and curious mind it's easily possible to learn something new every single day, and the cumulative outcome of that learning is a changed personality.
It's very important to realize, that no one is born more confident, social, outgoing, competitive, creative etc. than anyone else. Your early life experiences are paramount in the forming of your personality, which affects how you behave and think in different situations. Although your personality greatly determines how you think and act, the way you think and act also affects your personality. It's a two-way connection.
Want to become more social? Study how those you consider more social than you behave in group situations. How do they look at people? How do they listen to others? What kind of body language they use? How do they project their voice? And most importantly, how do they behave differently compared to you? What is your current situation, and what needs to be changed to get from where you are to where you want to be?
You can learn a great deal by observing other people. After all, it is by watching others that we have learnt most of the essentials in life such as walking and speaking. We have an innate tendency to model our behavior after those around us. Just watch how two best friends mirror each others' wording, phrases, or body language and you know what I'm talking about.
So, in order to actually become more social, and have that characteristic become an ingrained, natural part of your personality, you need to first start behaving like a social person. Make a conscious effort to act differently than the "regular you" would. Use the information you've gained when observing others and model your behavior to fit the image of a social person you've created in your mind. It's not easy, and it takes focus and willpower to do something that doesn't come naturally to you, but the more you do it the easier it gets. This is a sign of the new behavior starting to become an integrated part of who you are.
If I had been told over a year ago that this kind of personality change is possible, I probably wouldn't have believed it. However, considering how much my own personality has changed during the past year, I can't really deny it either. For example, I began to build my confidence simply by starting to look people in the eye whenever I was walking outside. Then I focused on doing it while I was listening and speaking to others. And yes, it took quite a bit of conscious effort at first, but nowadays I don't even need to think about it. It comes automatically. After getting used to maintaining eye-contact, I began to study and focus on adopting more subtle signs of a confident person such as how to greet people, how to enter a room, how to take control of my environment, how to speak in a more confident manner etc. There is still work to do and room for improvement, but it's easy to recognize how I feel much more confident than I did only a few months ago, before I started to make this conscious behavior change.
Two more things you can do to help the process are visualization and having inner discussions inside your head. Visualize being in social situations and acting the way you would like to act. Imagine yourself being the soul of the party, imagine people enjoying having conversations with you. This might sound like fantasy stuff, but many top-level athletes, public speakers, and other successful people practice visualization. There is also a lot of literacy about its importance and effectiveness. And anyway, it's not like you're going to lose anything by doing it ;)
By inner discussions I mean talking to yourself like you're your own best friend. It's ridiculous how many people constantly criticize and put themselves down in their thoughts. Instead, psyche yourself up when going to a social situation. Say to yourself: "Bro, you look awesome tonight! Everyone is waiting for you to come so they can have a chat with you. You will leave a great impression on everyone as you talk with them in your calm, confident manner. You know and they know, that if you weren't going to show up the evening wouldn't be nearly as much fun as it's going to be now. All thanks to you!"
I believe strongly, that the inner discussions - or thought-chatter as some like to call it - and visualizations have an impact on your subconscious mind. I also believe, that we are in much less control of our actions than we would like to admit. Instead, the subconscious mind is steering us towards different paths, different decisions, depending on how we think and what our beliefs are. By visualizing yourself as a very social person, you're giving instructions to your subconscious mind that this social person is who you really are. As a result, the way you behave may start to change without you even noticing it at first, as it all feels very natural and you are just 'being yourself'.
A study [download PDF] was done in 2007 that very profoundly demonstrates just how powerful the mind can be, and how much power visualization has: A group of athletes were instructed to visualize exercising their hip muscles, and without any actual gym training or physical activity they had similar strength gains (24% increase in physical strength) as a control group who went to the gym and did the actual hip exercises (28% increase in physical strength). Apparently the mind cannot make a difference between real and imagined experiences. Considering that these people actually had significant physiological changes as a result of what they imagined, just think how much visualization could help to change your behavior, attitudes, beliefs, or way of thinking!
Your personality changes whether you like or not. The big questions is; are you willing to take responsibility of who you are now, and to consciously start guiding that personality change in order to become who you want to be, to become your best self?
Finding your hidden talents
It's a beautiful ideal that each of us is born with unique talents. I've heard it said by my mother, by my old teachers, and by a number of public speakers. They all believe that you, me, and everyone else has something special to bring to the table. Something that will make us superior to the others. And guess what, I'm starting to believe that it's true. The only problem is that those talents are not so easy to figure out.
When talking about talents, most people think of the obvious ones such as being a great pianist, or a painter, or a code wizard. These talents are easy to notice, because they result in external evidence that is a direct proof of the talent of the creator. We can see a painting in a gallery and say "this artist has talent", and it makes sense. However, considering a talent to be merely a channel for creating tangible objects will limit your way of looking at talents. I think there's more than just artistic talent that needs to be taken into account.
I propose looking at talents as characteristics or aptitudes that are an integral part of who we are. More often than not these aptitudes are not so clear, especially to ourselves. I'm sure everyone has had some great teachers before, and some who were completely abysmal. What do you think was the difference between them? Maybe the great teachers had charisma, better communication skills, authority, enthusiasm... They had an understanding of how to facilitate learning. To my experience it's not that the bad teachers lack knowledge, but there seems to be an invisible wall preventing them from transferring that knowledge to the students.
A great teacher has talent in teaching. Other examples of these more subtle talents could be the people who have a knack of conflict resolution, who motivate others. Or how about those who can go and talk to anyone, and instantly create a relationship with that person. Sometimes these talents can be so integrated into our personalities that we are completely unaware of them.
Spending some time trying to discover your talents can be pretty useful. I don't know why, but most people - if not all of them - enjoy using their talents. This makes them feel appreciated, that they are doing something meaningful and congruent to their life's purpose. This comes even more clear if you've done something for work that's completely out of your character, something for which you have no talent. Letting your talents go to waste is likely to make you feel unhappy and worse about life.
Now, before you can start to actually think how to use your talents and take advantage of them, you need to know what they are. A true talent is something that should fit the following criteria:
It is a superior ability that other people notice and value.
You love using that ability, and want to use it as much as possible.
Using that ability energizes you, and those around you.
You keep getting better and better at using it, never running out of possibilities for further improvement.
It might be a tough personal challenge to find something that fits the above description. Give it time. I am only slowly starting to have some mental clarity about my own talents, and I've started to actively think about this almost a year ago. However, now that I'm getting closer to understanding what my talents are, I realize that deep inside me I've known about them for years.
A great way to gain some insight about what your talents might be is to ask. People who have known you for years, and are close to you, usually see you differently than how you see yourself. Ask them how would they describe you? What do they appreciate in you? What makes you exceptional and talented in their opinion? This can provide rather surprising revelations, because others see you as one of many people in their lives. They will compare you to those other people, and to themselves. Something that you are not able to do, as it's impossible to be objective about one's self.
I am not a big fan of quizzes, but I've found that the Myers-Briggs test can provide helpful insight into your personality and help you discover your talents. I did it myself couple weeks ago at HumanMetrics, and felt that the resulting personality type (ENFJ - the Teacher) was spot-on accurate. It also helped me see some aspects of my personality that I had taken for granted and not paid attention to before. The test helped me realize, that those parts of my personality are also a part of my talents.
If you decide to do the Myers-Briggs test and cannot relate with the results, try doing it again some other time when you're in a different state of mind. Your mood will affect your personality, and it shows in the test results as well as in real life situations. Also, the Myers-Briggs type indicator is not something static you're born with, but it changes over time as your personality develops and changes.
Everyone has talents, but finding them may take time. Don't worry about it or blame yourself for not figuring it out. If you believe that you have a talent but can't seem to be able to discover it, it's likely that sooner or later your subconscious will drop an answer in your mind and then it seems so obvious, that you can't believe why you didn't realize it sooner.
Believing is seeing
We tend to think that as civilized and well-educated people our view of the world is objective and fair. We pride ourselves in our abilities to dissect information, to make judgements based on scientific evidence, and therefore hold the belief that we are rational human beings. My mission today is to shake those beliefs. Our brains are hardwired with blind spots, and perhaps the biggest one is the conforming delusion that we, personally, don't have any.
The brain is very clever at allowing us to justify our own perceptions and beliefs as being accurate, realistic, and unbiased. This is called naive realism. We assume that other reasonable people see things the same way we do, and if they disagree with us they obviously aren't seeing things clearly. This is caused by two presuppositions: One, people who are open-minded and fair should agree with a reasonable opinion. And two, any opinion I hold must be reasonable; if it weren't, I wouldn't hold it. Therefore I can argue my opinion, tell the other side how things really are, and if they don't agree with me it must be because they are biased.
The root of the problem is, that each of us lives in a different reality. Our perception of the world is not the same. One very clear example of this is a person who believes in God. When that belief is an integrated part of a person, it is easy to see God everywhere; in the miracle of life, how elegant all the structures making life possible are, how daily events and occurrences can be explained by them being caused by the "will of God". A non-believer, on the other hand, might feel similar awe towards life, but seeks other explanations for it. This is a very clear-cut case of how beliefs shape our views of reality, but there are many less obvious differences in each and everyone of us.
A bit more subtle example is that discovered in the midsts of the conflict between Israelis and Palestinians. Even though both sides recognized, that the other side perceives issues differently, they still held the opinion that the other side is biased while they themselves see things objectively. Both sides had a strong belief, that their own perception should be the basis for settlement.
An experiment was done where the Palestinian proposal was labeled as coming from the Israelis, and the Israeli proposal labeled as coming from the Palestinians. Israeli citizens were then asked to judge the two proposals. I think this is a staggering example of how fleeting our objectivity is, and how we are unaware of our beliefs shaping the reality: The Israelis liked the Palestinian proposal attributed to Israel more than they liked the Israeli proposal attributed to the Palestinians. So, can there be any chance for peace if your own proposal is not attractive to you when it appears coming from the other side? What chance is there, then, that the other side's real proposal is going to be attractive?
In the same way Democrats will endorse proposals coming from Republicans if they think the proposals were originally created by the Democratic Party, and vice versa. The really disturbing fact is, that neither the Israelis nor the Democrats were aware of these blind spots. They all claimed that their beliefs followed logically from their own careful study and reasoning.
Our beliefs cause us to accept only information that supports those beliefs, and to ignore anything that might disprove them. To study what factors influence decision-making, people were put into the role of jurors and had to listen to an audio re-enactment of an actual murder trial. They were then asked how they would have voted and why. Instead of considering and weighing all evidence carefully as it was presented, most people immediately constructed a story, or an image, about what had happened and then proceeded to accept only evidence that supported their story. The sooner people jumped into a conclusion, the more confident they were in their decision, and the more likely they were to vote for an extreme verdict to justify that decision.
The stronger a belief is, the more prone you are to accept only supporting information. Strong beliefs are not just ideas in your head that are under consideration and evaluation, but they are an integrated part of your personality. And in order to protect that personality, the brain will ignore disconfirming evidence. Here is a lesson for students of scientific objectivity: Because of what the mind thinks it knows, it filters information, shutting out things that don't fit in the model it has created. Seeing is not believing. Believing is seeing.
This is not just an individual phenomenon, but it's also a cultural one. Cultural intellectual patterns are built on past "facts" which are extremely selective. When a new fact that does not fit the pattern comes in, we don't throw out the pattern. We throw out the fact. Galileo was persecuted for defending the fact that the Earth revolves around the sun. For this kinds of contradictory facts it may take centuries before enough people will start to see them to cause a change in the cultural intellectual patterns.
Similar "battle" can be seen right now in the area of nutrition; the established pattern of low-fat high complex carbohydrate diet being healthy is under attack by the disconfirming evidence of health benefits of low-carbohydrate diets. Some of that evidence originates already in the 19th century. Yet only now, decades later, we are starting to see slow changes in these broader cultural intellectual patterns.
Perhaps one of the most obvious ways how beliefs influence our perception, that everyone is familiar with, is prejudice. It is the way human mind perceives and processes information into categories, or stereotypes. Having stereotypes allows us to save considerable amount of mental energy, as it means we don't need to approach every single person or situation without preconceptions. However, it also means that we see the world through a lens, or filter, consisting of those stereotypes, and as a result make erroneous conclusions.
This is also why first impressions are so important. Humans have an uncanny ability to determine a persons character rather accurately in a matter of seconds. This trait has developed as it was necessary in prehistoric times to make quick judgements about whether or not someone we encountered meant us harm. After that first impression, however, all our later experiences with that person are filtered through the image we created during the first encounter, and changing that image later takes a lot more effort.
This sort of labeling was very well documented in a study where sane people were sent to psychiatric wards, pretending that they had mental illness. Even though the pseudopatients stopped reporting any symptoms related to their "condition" immediately after being admitted, everything they did and said was interpreted by the staff through the lens of that person being a schizophrenic.
In other words, the diagnosis was in no way affected by the perception of the circumstances, but the perception of the circumstances was shaped entirely by the diagnosis. And as it turned out, this label - or image - was impossible to get rid of. Once you were labeled as a schizophrenic, the best status you could achieve was being a schizophrenic "in remission". From the institution's, or doctors', point of view you were not sane, never had been, and never would be.
I wrote this article hoping that you will become a little more aware of these blind spots that all of us have, including you and me. More importantly, though, I want to emphasize how important it really is to try to understand each other, and to relate to what the other person is thinking and feeling, instead of judging them being right or wrong. Each of us have our own perceptions of reality, and my reality is in no way better or more "right" than yours. It is simply the lens through which I see the world.
Note: To further explore these concepts, I recommend reading Mistakes were made (but not by me) by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson.
3 simple things for happier life
I have been very hesitant about publishing this blog post. I started writing it couple weeks ago, only to stop after getting my main points down because I felt that this will put me in the same "faceless" group of hundreds or thousands of personal development bloggers out there. Not that there's anything wrong with writing about personal development, but I felt that I needed to approach these things from my own quirky semi-scientific point of view that I've been building.
What finally made me finish this article was, that the things I discuss here have had a positive impact on my own life. And by sharing this there is always a chance to influence others and help them achieve positive results as well.
It's all in your head
This is a big one. By simply realizing and accepting that emotions exist entirely within you, can have a life-changing effect. Let me repeat that; what you feel is entirely a creation of your own mind. Whatever happens in your life outside your own body and mind is not the source of your feelings. If you can't grasp this, then read it again until you can. Or watch the Habits of Happiness talk by Matthieu Ricard who explains the concept in more detail.
So what if you crash your car? Surely there will be all kinds of feelings of anger, anxiety and regret stemming from that accident. But can you show me which aspects of a car crash cause the negative feelings? Can you show me, that when a car crash occurs these specific feelings get created, and start to inhabit the bodies of those involved? I doubt you can, because those feelings are entirely subjective experiences of the people involved, and they are entirely their own creation. Simply put; the car crash itself does not create those feelings.
A feeling is simply a creation of your brain as it reacts to external or internal events, such as car crashes or remembering the first time you held your first-born baby in your arms. This is important. You might even want to write it down. Whatever events take place, they are not directly making you feel anything. You feel something because your mind makes you feel it.
The reason I rant about this is, that realizing it has been a hugely liberating experience. It explains why money and new toys don't bring lasting happiness; far too many people try to change internal processes by focusing on external conditions. It also gives you a degree of control over what you feel. When you know that your feeling exists only within you, independent of external events, your whole perception of that feeling changes. You may start to wonder why your mind is making you feel something, what could be causing the feeling, and what is the feeling trying to tell you? This will help you tremendously to understand yourself better.
My own understanding and control of feelings was put to a test earlier this year, when purely out of my own fault I was caught speeding, received a huge fine, and lost my driver's licence for over two months. I had learned and accepted, that the external event of being stopped by the police was not responsible for what I feel, but that I am creating those feelings inside my own mind. The feelings I have are my responsibility. Even though this whole ordeal was a huge setback for me in multiple ways, I managed to stay positive during and after the whole event.
Now imagine how much easier it is to make yourself feel positive about small annoyances that you might let bother you, such as cleaning the bathroom or washing dishes.
Talk to yourself
This is something we all do every single day. We look ourselves in the mirror after waking up and say "Dude, you're awesome! Another great day ahead!" Or at least that's what I do :) And that is one of the reasons I'm feeling good. We have this internal dialogue going on and on all the time, and it has a huge effect on how we feel.
Have you ever paid attention to how you are talking to yourself? We have a tendency to be extremely cruel to ourselves! The way most people talk inside their heads is so negative that they would never in their right mind use that kind of language when talking to other people. This internal dialogue actually has an effect on your subconscious mind, making you feel the way you talk.
To improve this, first start paying attention to these internal dialogues and the kind of language you use. Then start shaping the dialogue consciously. How would you like to feel? I'm sure everyone wants to be happy, confident and enthusiastic most of the time. Since you will feel good or bad based on how you talk to yourself, be mindful of the words you use and make a conscious effort to have only positive self-talk going in your head. Or as Tim from Real Social Dynamics puts is; talk to yourself like you're the pimp of the world.
You can even write down or memorize a commercial for yourself, as in the below example:
Tom Staley meet Tom Staley - an important, a really important person. Tom, you're big thinker, so think big. Think Big about Everything. You've got plenty of ability to do a first-class job so do a first-class job.
Tom, you believe in Happiness, Progress and Prosperity. So: talk only Happiness, talk only Progress, talk only Prosperity.
You have lots of drive, Tom, lots of drive. So put that drive to work. Nothing can stop you Tom, nothing.
Tom, you're enthusiastic. Let your enthusiasm show through.
You look good, Tom, and you feel good. Stay that way.
Tom Staley, you were a great fellow yesterday and you're going to be an even greater fellow today. Now go to it, Tom. Go forward.
- From The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz
How do you think the above person feels about himself, compared to someone whose internal dialogue consists of complaining how her dress looks too big on her, the shoes are wrong color, and that she should have done a much better job on that presentation for the marketing class?
Language patterns
It is not only how we talk to ourselves, but how we talk to others that shapes our reality. If you tell someone that you're feeling a bit down, do you think that telling it will make you feel better? You're just simply giving yourself a permission to be stuck in that miserable feeling. On the other hand, even if you're feeling moody but you respond to someones "How are you?" that you feel awesome, you're actually taking a step towards feeling that way!
This is another example of how the subconscious mind is affected by the words we use. When you say - with proper tonality and enthusiasm, even if you're faking it - that you feel great, your mind starts to create that feeling. So if you want to feel more happy and content in your life, use words and phrases that carry a positive meaning.
One noteworthy thing to mention here is, that apparently our subconscious minds cannot make a difference between positive and negative phrases. So if you keep repeating in your head that "Don't feel bad, don't feel bad" your subconscious is actually registering "Feel bad, feel bad". Try to find alternative ways to say what you want without the use of negations.
I was telling a friend of mine that I have simply no talent at singing, and she actually scolded me for saying that. Our thoughts and the language we use shape our reality, so by saying that I have no talent at singing I'm actually creating a reality where I have an excuse, and I don't even need to consider ever becoming good at it. Instead, I should have said that I have a challenge in singing. Challenges can be overcome, and they can also be sources of strength.
My advice is; be mindful of the words and phrases you use, and think what kind of effect they might have on your subconscious mind. After all, you are the one creating those positive and negative feelings. No one else. So take responsibility.
A cynic might call me delusional for thinking in ways that I described, using these kinds of "tricks" and "techniques" to feel positive and happy, but guess which one of us is enjoying life more and having better time on this planet? :)
Why is it so hard to admit errors?
"I was wrong and take full responsibility." Don't you just love to hear someone say these words? And how do you feel when you hear them being uttered? Do you think about the person who says them that "boy, what a failure he is for making a mistake in a situation like this!", or would your first reaction be more along the lines of "boy, he actually sincerely admitted his mistake! What a generous guy!"?
I stopped watching news and reading newspapers (perhaps more about the reasons for that in another blog post) already few months ago, but even I haven't been able to avoid hearing about the election funding scandal here in Finland. Apparently one of the largest political parties received funding by rather shady means and it seems rather obvious, that bribery and lobbying was exercised in large extent to the personal gain of certain politicians.
As an avid non-follower of news I do not have the exact details of the scandal, but when I googled about it my expectations were confirmed: Not a single politician has stood up, told the public what exactly happened, and most importantly taken responsibility for the mistakes that they made in the funding process.
Do you think doing so would be a political suicide? I disagree. Even though people tend to be cynical and do not put much trust on large institutions - or good lord, political parties - underneath they have a genuine hunger for honesty and integrity.
In 1961 John F. Kennedy invaded Cuba at the Bay of Pigs, which turned out to be a disaster due to faulty intelligence and claims from his military advisers. What he said to the public, however was that an error does not become a mistake until you refuse to correct it... Without debate, without criticism, no administration and no country can succeed - and no republic can survive. The final responsibility for the failure of the Bay of Pigs invasion was mine, and mine alone.
You think people would have wanted Kennedy's head on a silver platter for making such a big mistake - much bigger and with much more serious possible consequences than the current Finnish scandal? On the contrary, after admitting the error Kennedy's popularity soared! Disclosing that one in a position of power can be wrong has a humanizing and trust building effect.
It does not matter whether or not you make mistakes; you need to be able to suck it up, admit your errors and take responsibility. And no, it does not mean coming up with excuses like "I dropped the glass because it was very slippery and sun was in my eyes," or that "I didn't stop at a stop sign because I was in a hurry". Just say that "I dropped the glass. It was my fault, my mistake." No excuses!
Kennedy did not just admit that a mistake had been made, but he took corrective measures reorganizing the intelligence system and became more critical to the claims of his advisers. In Finland some corrective measures have also been taken after the scandal, but unfortunately we do not have a big enough person who would tell the public the truth and admit the mistakes.
Sometimes it is extremely difficult to admit your errors. Especially if they go strongly against your self-image. In these situations we have a habit of justifying our mistakes by blaming others, or even refusing to admit that a mistake was made in the first place. This is called cognitive dissonance, and is well documented in psychology. For example, if a politician with a strong sense of personal integrity is found to have taken bribes, it is more likely that he will downplay the situation, find a scapegoat or start blaming the media (or his political opponents) for setting him up instead of admitting that he had made a bad judgment call.
No matter how hard it is, I want you to think about some mistake you have made and say to yourself "yes, I was wrong. No excuses. It was my fault." If there is some other person involved in your mistake, then call them and admit it, or confess to your loved one who knows about the incident even though he or she might have nothing to do with it.
When you are forced to face your own mistakes and take responsibility, it can be an exhilarating and liberating experience. Other people will like you more, as you prove that you are a person with high integrity and values. There is also a good chance that you will eventually get caught on your mistake, so it's much better and easier to admit it when it's still a sapling instead of a full-grown tree with roots that run deep.
A great nation is like a great man;
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
Having realized it, he admits it.
Having admitted it, he corrects it.
He considers those who point out his faults
as his most benevolent teachers.
- Lao Tzu